Excerpts from the ‘Dear Billy’ section

Excerpts from the ‘Dear Billy’ section

Letters do not necessarily reflect the opinions or attitudes of other staff writers or editor

Dear Billy: For the past year and a half, my wheelchair-bound friend and I have been raiding his parents’ liquor cabinet in the basement after school. Together we couldn’t have a tighter alibi; I at my ‘handicapped’ friend’s house and he unable to reach the eye-level cabinet in the garage. It’s led to some close calls, but nothing too serious. We’ve been carefully replacing the missing alcohol with water; he’s never seen his parents drink from that alcohol so we figure we’re safe. My question to you Billy is this:  What can    we dilute tequila with to make it drinkable? - No Way José in CT

Dear No Way José:  Though I cannot publicly condone underage drinking, it certainly does make me smile. Just a word of caution, be sure you know exactly what level each bottle was filled up to before you started siphoning it out. As a rough gauge it’s been said that you can replace about a quarter of a bottle of 80 proof spirits with water before the taste raises suspicions. In the case of wine, diluted vinegar can get you up to 3/4ths of the bottle safely. In any regard, it’s fantastic that you can see beyond his disability. Best of luck in the future and in your more immediate cabinet reassessment. - Billy

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Dear Billy: I’ll be 16 in a month, but lots of my friends are older than me and already have their licenses. I think cars look pretty cool, but it all seems so overwhelming; car insurance, pumping my own gas, auto parts stores, I’m not sure if I’m ready for that kind of commitment. I have a job on a local farm that pays pretty well, but I get out of work at 6:00PM, the same time Driver’s Ed classes start. I don’t really care about driving and things seem to be going pretty well so far. My friends love driving so much they’re willing to bring me anywhere. Am I making the right decision here?           - Forever a Passenger

Dear Forever a Passenger: If you were my son, you’d absolutely have your license the day of your 16th birthday, no matter how apathetic you felt about it. The longer you wait to get it, the less free time you’ll inevitably have and eventually you’ll just give up on it. Don’t give up, someday you’ll meet a girl who fulfills the unrequited dreams you’ve set and you’ll want nothing more than to be with her constantly. If you don’t have a license, your only hope is that your friends or parents feel sympathetic once-in-a-while. And how long might that last, Forever a Passenger? Don’t be a loser, arrange something at work, get out a little early and get to driving class. You need your license.

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Dear Billy: Help, I’m home from college and I have a fully stocked pantry at my disposal for the weekend. What are some of your favorite recipes that’ll make up for bland college food. - Always Hungry

Dear Always Hungry: I’ve always been a mixer; blending dirt and rocks with water as a child and now in my cooking I carry on the same traditions. Though they might sound unappetizing, the two recipes below will lovingly caress your taste buds in a way you’ve never experienced:

PB&T (Peanut Butter & Tuna):

Ingredients: 

Chunk white tuna mixed up with mayo (per usual)

Two slices of your favorite bread single sides coated with peanut butter

Cheese (optional)

      Directions:

1.) Make the tuna sandwich

2.) Butter the outside of the bread and fire up your stovetop

3.) Toss some butter in your frying pan and grill until slightly crispy.

Perfect Cup of Tea (or a close approximation):

Ingredients: 

Your favorite mug (if there is no favorite, use the largest one available)

One Bigelow Constant Comment tea bag (Lipton Black or Earl Grey also acceptable)

Sugar (definitely not honey, Splenda or Sweet & Low, a half spoonful of sugar)

Whole milk (though some people prefer 2%, just don’t use half & half)

      Directions:

1.) Bring a kettle of water to a rolling boil, pour over tea bag in mug

2.) Let steep for 5 minutes. Don’t dunk or squeeze the bag

3.) Remove bag and discard (though some people swear by re-steeping)

4.) Spoon in a half teaspoon of sugar (a full spoon if its before noon) 

5.) Stir in milk until color matches below (cut out swatch if necessary)

         

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Dear Billy: I feel like my pursuit of Asian girls will never progress beyond a boob squeeze and I really need some immediate advice. I’m coming off my 2nd failed relationship with a Vietnamese girl  (friend zone’d) and I’m starting to notice some similarities in the two disasters. Keeping relationships a secret from Asian parents seemed risky-but-exciting at first, but listening for the carpet crunching footsteps of elderly grandmothers (they all live together) and early garage door risings, it has been more stressful than it’s been rewarding. Both girls’ fathers are closet alcoholics and their inability to parent has led to more weepy-shrieky phone calls than I care to recount. How can I assert to these exotic beauties that I’m a genuine lover and not their therapist? - Yellow Fever

Dear Yellow Fever: You are right to question the ethics of your two previous girlfriends, but you’re being stubborn. If you’re noticing this trend, it’s a sign for change. I know the last thing on your mind is breaking the cycle, but for your own sanity you should take a step back and reevaluate yourself. Though you’re enamored by their beauty, their almond-shaped eyes and porcelain skin, you’re dealing with damaged goods, fixer-uppers, girls who only think they need a boyfriend because their parents shun therapy. You’re right though, you need to assert yourself more. A good partner offers his support, but when an entire relationship is built on this support system, there’s no room for anything else. You need to break this fever and broaden your ethnic horizons.